Thursday, July 8, 2010


We live moment to moment hanging on to a dream that the happyness of days
gone by will return, that the fate of tomorrow will never come.

We live day by day tolerating the madness and insanity of what
we have come to know as reality, what we have come to accept as life.

We live hour by hour breathing in the hurt and bleeding out the pain, letting go of
the hopes and dreams of a world we once felt safe in.

We live night by night silent tears being our constant companion, remembering
what life was like when everything was ok, when we were okay.

We live moment by moment fighting for the the very next breath, the battle rages
as the weak become weaker and the strong become no more.

We live minute to minute the broken clock becoming a comfort to a life without meaning, silence surrounding the empty roads of yesterdays tomorrows.

We live today knowing that in time we will cease to be but the importance of loving and being loved won't ever change, even if we do.

We live breath to breath realizing that death is not just a victory but a stopping point, a place where all the madness ends, a place where the heart ceases to know pain.

We live. We love. We fade.
To you the silence may be deafening, to me, it's freedom.


A crying child, alone in the dark, curled into a ball.
Pushing away those closest, yet seeking help.
Close to breaking point, hope is lost. She is surrounded yet so alone.
People walk by shining light in her direction; she hides.
She enjoys the darkness. She hopes for light in the future,
yet fears letting go of the dark.

People attempt talking but forcefully she pushes them away and blocks them out with a wall she builds thicker over time, until they stop trying.
So much energy and effort thrown into saving what destroys her.
All she can do is cry. She wishes for a brighter future, she desires it so deeply.
But every time it is offered, she rejects it.

The darkness has been her friend for so long, it is the only friend she has left.
Through all the difficult times and troubles, darkness was there.
It destroys her, but it is who she is, it is so close to her, it is a part of her.
The darkness got her through everything, how can she just throw it away?

One brave person comes close to her,
he isn’t afraid of the darkness that binds her so tight.
He sees her as who she is; an afraid child crying in desperation to get out.
She sees him; it’s hard to look directly at him,
for he doesn’t carry the light like the others,
the light radiates from his very being; he is the light.
It is too bright for her eyes to adjust immediately.

The darkness cannot remain in light.
She tries to hold it close, to save her friend, but it flees once in sight of the light.She isn’t used to this light but she likes it.
In the light she is seeing the person she used to be, before darkness.
She tries to run after the darkness but not wanting to lose the light
and the person she is in the light.
But she cannot be with both.

She admires the man for trying so hard to save her from her darkness
when all others gave up, hopeless.
Yet she still misses her old companion for she doesn’t know what to do without him.
She runs and falls back into a hole where the darkness can live.
He welcomes her back, but he could not come and find her when she was with the light, he didn’t come running after her. Does he even care?
She descends deep to the darkness inside and out,
becoming the person she so longed to get rid of.

A crying child, alone in the dark, curled into a ball – just as before.
But this time she’s seen the light; She knows where she could be.
She knows what’s on the other side,
that there is a better place that she had previously longed for.
She’s fallen further than ever, she wants the man to come and save her like
before, but she’s afraid he has given up on her like everyone else.
Why would he take her back after she betrayed him when he was only good to her?

Her thoughts race, gathering memories, compiling it all; to see how the light only brought goodness in her life and the darkness only brought destruction.
Regretting her decisions, she collapses to the floor.
All her strength and effort spent on saving her enemy.
There is no hope left. Who could accept her, help her, or even love her?

But she desires that light more than anything and she knows she has to at least try asking him back but she doesn’t know how.
For the first time she approaches the people around her, she shouts for someone to help.

There are a lot of people in the darkness who don’t know the man.
They enjoy the darkness; they don’t want to get out.
Running out of strength, she’s close to giving up.
How could she have thought she could get him back?
She’s losing hope.

Lying on the ground she sees something, a glimpse of darkness disappearing.
Not as strong as before, but it is the same light in moderation.
She gathers enough strength to get up and see the person carrying light and she asks about this man, hoping the person knows of him since she has the same light.
She knows this is her last chance.


Finally, someone who knows.
The person explains all to her and introduces her to more people with light.
She is further from the darkness;
it calls her to come back, and she feels vulnerable without it,
but she knows she has to fight to stay away and get closer to the light.
And now she has the help from these torchbearers to fight with her
and help keep her from the darkness.

The more time she spends in the light, the more she learns about herself.
The light shows what the darkness hid.
She is happier, stronger, and hopeful yet still missing something.
She still hasn’t met the man who is light.

She asks the torchbearers and they tell her to simply ask.
She still fears rejection yet knowing she has to take a leap of faith.
Closing her eyes she kneels down and talks to the empty space in front of her,
hoping he is listening.

A comfort fills her heart and embraces her with an extent of love never felt before.
She opens her eyes to see a light so pure and bright.
He returned as if nothing had ever happened, as if she never left.
She loves that feeling and loves his presence; she can never leave that.

His gentle voice speaks “welcome back my beautiful child. I was waiting for you”,
His warm smile contagiously fills her face as they enjoy each other’s presence.
At last she feels welcome, loved, strong, hopeful, at home, far from darkness.

She is free.

Monday, March 2, 2009


Today it has been hard. Today I struggled with Life. Today I questioned. Today I wondered about the sovereignty of His hand in my life. Today I felt very alone. Today I wished. Today I felt alot of things. Today my heart wanted to know the truth. Today.....

today my God is a comsuming fire(Heb 12:29) even though at times I question the refining....

today my God is a the substance of things hoped for (Heb 11:1) even though my heart hasn't always sought Him....

today my God heals my heart (Ps 139) knowing the scars are a reminder of how merciful He is....

today my God is sitting upon the throne (Rev 7:10) and I seek Him there with the cries of my heart....

today my God is the reason of the hope within me (1Peter 3:15) knowing that without Him I could never go another day....

today my God is the strength of my heart (Ps 27:14,31:24) even though it is seemingly so easy to find satisfaction in my fleshly desires....

today my God is is working in me both to will and do His good pleasure (Phil 2:13) knowing that the 'song' of my life is being written by my Abba father....

today my God is the evidence of things not see. (Heb 11:2) feeling His presence when everything and everyone is so far away....

today my God hears me (Ps 21:2) cherishing the fact that my voice is what He desires to hear....

today my God is the fullness to my joy (ps 16:11) even though at times weeping endures for a night but knowing that with Him, joy WILL come in the morning....

today my God is the protection from the battle (Eph 6:) knowing that I fight but choosing to win, cause I can't afford to lose....

today my God is my reward (Gal 6:9) the only person that I want to hear say 'well done, good and faithful servant....'

today my God has called me His own (Is 43) cherishing that I am His daughter and knowing that nothing can seperate me from His love....

today my God is the grace sufficient for me (2 Cor 12:9, 9:8) that I may feel like a failure at times but realizing that nothing is impossible with my Saviour....

today my God is my way of escape (1Cor 10 :13) when all else fails and I can't go one, He is there.....

today my God is the song that I sing (Is 12:2) the foundation of my life...the music that resounds louder than any other tune, the one I listen for....

today my God is the standard for me (Acts 5:29) when I have tried my own way and the hurt overwhelms, He and His truth remains faithful....

today my God is holding my hand (Is 48:6) the footprints in the sand....

today my God is the strength in my life that is perfect (2Cor 12:9) when I have made mistakes and when I stumble, I rise again under the shadow of the Almighty....

today my God is the perfect peace that sustains me (Is 26:3-4) when I feel a storm raging in my heart and the tears flood, He lets me know that it will be okay....

today my God ths heritage I call my own that will last forever. (Is 54:17) I am forever and always a treasured child of the King, even when I feel exactly the opposite, I know He will always be my Jesus, my saviour, my daddy....

today my God is the finish line (Heb 12:1-2) I press on because of Him, I run this race of life for Him, and I do it because.... I love Him.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Would you love Him more?

I desire to be a woman of influence and I would desire that it draw others to God. I want to be passionate for Him and to pass that passion on to others. I am vividly reminded daily of the great joy or the intense pain it can reap in the lives of those that come into contact with mine....I am resolved that as I am influenced by others and as they are influenced by me, that when we look back we can see the fingerprints of God marking a closer walk with Him. Yes, this is my hearts cry.

I feel quite sure if I did my best
I could maybe impress you
With tender words and a harmony
A clever rhyme or two
But if all I've done in the time we've shared
Is turn your eyes on me
Then I've failed at what I've been called to do
There's someone else I want you to see

Will you love Jesus more
When we go our different ways
When this moment is a memory
Will you remember His face
Will you look back and realize
You sensed His love more than you did before
I'd pray for nothing less
Than for you to love Jesus more

I'd like to keep these memories
In frames of gold and silver
And reminisce a year from now
About the smiles we've shared
But above all else I hope you will come
To know the Father's love
When you see the Lord face to face
You'll hear Him say "well done"

I'd pray for nothing less
Than for you to love Jesus more <3

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

From the ages past - to eternity come.....

I want to hear the voice of God.

thunders through the sky (EL-ELYON...The Lord Most High)

roars through the waves (EL-ROI...The strong one who sees)

whispers through the wind (JEHOVAH-MACCADDESHEM...The Lord my sanctifier)

crys in the rain (JEHOVAH-RAPHA...The Lord my healer)

shouts through the earth (EL-OLAM...The everlasting God)

speaks in the fire (JEHOVAH-SHAMMAH...The Lord who is present)

echos in the depths (EL-ROI...The strong one who sees)

and sings through the night (JEHOVAH-SHALOM...The Lord my peace)

Saturday, February 21, 2009


So...I just spent seven hours with the most amazing girls ever! The fellowship was sweet and fun to say the least :) We went shopping (of course) and thoroughly looked through every clearance rack and then some...but were quite chilled as we were at an outdoor mall and the tempature was dropping rapidly...but the cheerful trio pursued on :D I am so grateful for these precious girls and sisters in Christ, they indeed are a blessing from the Lord. What would a girls night out be without many laughs and giggles? Well, be assured that we had our share and the memories are uinforgettable! It was a great day and I am contented to say that it was exactly as I would have hoped :)

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

God? I need you.

The words danced around on my tongue again, knocking against my teeth, trying to escape. But again, they were locked inside. Frustrated, they turned to wage war against my mind. This was nothing new…it was slowly becoming routine. As I drove home, questions ravaged my thoughts until finally, in the early hours of the morning, they came to the same answer they had the night before: now is not the time. Tears flooded my eyes as sadness began to creep in, leaving only one question: how long…? It was one I could not answer.

The next morning I awoke with my heart still in a fog. Throughout the day I tried to push the feelings aside, but little reminders waited around every corner, making it almost impossible to ignore them. I knew I couldn’t hold it in any longer, so I retreated to my bedroom as I fought back tears. Lord, why do I have to wait so long? Why can’t I know now? My heart was breaking as I buried my face in my hands and cried. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard.

Then I heard Him say....

My precious one. Have you realized that if you compiled every written word of love on this earth…it would fade greatly in comparison to the many series of books that the Lover of your soul has written about you? I have written your life to the tune of something beautiful. A song that no other ear has heard. A song that is being sung….only to you. Every note is falling in perfect harmony with my own composed melody. Have you heard it? The music is captivating. The notes are precise. The lyrics perfect. The melody unforgettable. Can you hear it?

Over time this amazing orchestration will resound with the tune of what I your Master composer call….your life. My heart’s cry for you my child is that you hear and know my written song for you, that you move to the rhythm of what I have destined you to be. Have you recognized my song that I have given you? Are you hearing it above every other competing melody that is falling upon your ear? I know that you have been distracted by the tune of other songs but take heed….it is not your own. There is a common thread that flows through every song that I have ever composed... And that would be the love in which I wrote it. My desire is that a beautiful orchestration would resound from the lives of those that I call my own. Listen, my child. The music has begun and it’s yours. The lyrics are yet to be completely written….it’s your time.

I have come to realize that the Lover of my soul has pursued me at times in the greatest of pursuit, to teach me awesome and new things and to grant me the desires of my heart. Also, sometimes in the greatest pain, at the knowledge that I have left Him and became consumed by things that were good, but not best. I know that He is what my heart needs…but not always what my heart wants. Time and time again I have crawled up into His lap and wept on His shoulder…feeling the pain of allowing my own song to sing words that He wrote, but to the wrong tune. As he gently wipes away the tears I feel His love compass my heart in a way I have never known. What love is this that heals, restores, and blesses? It is a love that knows no boundaries….a love that doesn’t fade…..a love that only He knows. Then He begins to sing. Wait? I have heard that somewhere before….haven’t I? Yes, it is the song that my life has thus far written. I can hardly believe it….it is more beautiful than I had ever imagined…..then it stops. My Lover looks me in the eyes and says ‘Go, my dear one. The rest has yet to be written. Do you think that the time spent in that key has caused a mistake? Know that I make everything new and the time spent there has only made your song stronger. Do not look back in shame…I know what lies behind you and it was all for a greater purpose. Know that. So go, and hear. Go and play out the notes that will make your song what I want it to be and remember….I love you.’

{‘Word of God speak’ by MercyMe}
I’m finding myself at a loss for words and the funny thing is… its okay. The last thing I need is to be heard… but to hear what you would say. Word of God speak. Would you pour down like rain and wash in my eyes to see…. your majesty. To be still and know…. that you’re in this place. Please let me stay and rest in…. your holiness. Word of God speak. I’m finding myself in the midst of you. Beyond the music…beyond the noise. All that I need is to be with you and in the quiet…..I hear your voice. . Word of God speak. Would you pour down like rain and wash in my eyes to see…. your majesty. To be still and know…. that you’re in this place. Please let me stay and rest in your holiness. Word of God speak.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Diane and Chrissy, the girls I am proud to call my own. Your baby sister misses you.